November
by kouichi kimura 4eva
Summary: Stan is late for his bestfriend's wedding. Even though it's supposed to be a day of celebration, it's a less than joyful day for both. ONESHOT.


**A/N: I wrote this as a break from "He's On Your Mind" since I realized I need A LOT of time to edit my chapters for that fanfic. They're just so long that I can't just do a quick edit without an excessive amount of grammar errors resulting in the final copy. **

**Anyways, I decided to write about this particular issue because I noticed that there are a lot of things like this going on in our world. Even if it's not exactly the same scenario as my story, it's still that struggle and constant fear some face when dealing with a family that doesn't understand things from your perspective, especially if those things are extremely important to your identity as an individual. **

**That's all for now! See you in "He's On Your Mind."**

**-KK4E**

* * *

November

"For fuck sakes, Stan. We're all going to be late now because of you." Kenny complains from the back seat of my car as we sit waiting in this traffic jam on the highway. It's pure bad luck that it just HAD to be this busy on this 'oh so special' day as Wendy puts it. Not that I care, I would rather be at home away from everybody.

Away from Kyle.

"Kenny, stop it." Wendy hushes from the passenger seat next to me. "We're the ones who forced Stan to come, so be more considerate!" she looks at me sympathetically and I flash her a brief smile before I stare out the windshield again. She places a friendly hand on my shoulder. "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

I take a deep breath and nod even if everything is far from okay for me. Actually everything sucks ass big time. Yeah, everything definitely sucks when you're going to your ex-boyfriend's wedding when you're clearly not over him; when the reason you and him broke up in the first place was because he was too pussy to come out about his sexuality and your relationship. So, no, it's not okay. It's fucking devastating. And I know Wendy and Kenny think so as well, but they're just not saying anything for my sake.

And now, three years after we broke up, I get a wedding invitation from him and Bebe asking us to be at their wedding. I remember how last week Wendy and Kenny tried to hide the invitation from me because they received theirs first in the mail and thought I wasn't invited. But with my shitty luck, mine arrived the day after, and I found out anyways. I thought about just throwing the thing out and not bothering RSVPing, but Wendy said that it would be too obvious that I wasn't (and still not) over Kyle. Kenny didn't say too much, except that I should just "do whatever the fuck I want."

"_Come join us on this wondrous day for the holy matrimony of Kyle Abraham Broflovski and Bebe Stevens on November 11 at St. Petersburg's church at 3:00 p.m. Please RSVP with the number of guests." _said the inside of the invitation. I just hated how happy the whole thing sounded for such an unhappy event, especially with its overly pink and light green sparkles covering every inch of the card. It reminded me of a combination of candy and vegetables mixed together after someone vomited their lunch. In other words...

...gross.

I sigh to myself and rest my head on the steering wheel. What bothers me the most is how Kyle turned his back on not only me but on... himself. And what baffles me the most is how he couldn't grasp that what his parents think isn't important after we were together for long. I just can't believe that he would choose to live his life in denial just to be accepted by his so-called family. We were so happy together until we found out what hypocrites his parents were.

"Stan! You okay?" Wendy asks with alarm. She rests her hand on my shoulder.

"Just fine." I mumble into the steering wheel.

"Stan, I think we can move up. That car ahead just moved a bit." Kenny says from the back.

Without thinking, I step on the accelerator and then immediately the brake pedal after realizing that I could've crashed us all into the ass of the car ahead.

"STAN!" Wendy and Kenny yell simultaneously. I can just imagine how much their hearts are racing and I almost laugh. Actually, I would laugh if I wasn't already so pissed off to begin with.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" Kenny pants as he tries to settle his panicked heart.

"Nothing..." I mumble with my head still resting on the steering wheel.

"Exactly! You weren't fucking thinking at all you-."

"You know what, why don't you let me drive, Stan." Wendy cuts in as she also tries to compose herself from the brief freak-out.

"I'm fine." I finally raise my head from the steering wheel to meet both Kenny and Wendy's still panicked faces. Now that I think about it, attempting to drive with my head buried in the steering wheel probably isn't the most sane idea anyways. Especially on a freeway.

Wendy grabs my shoulder. "I'm driving now so get your ass into my seat." I temporarily put my parking brake on and sigh with defeat. She reaches around me and somehow we miraculously end up in our desired places without squishing each other in the process. But then again, there is quite a lot of room in the front of this van anyways.

"Unlike you Stan, Kenny and I want to make it there in one piece." She snaps on the seatbelt and takes the steering wheel in her hands and slowly moves the van up a few inches. I rest in my seat and stare out the window without bothering with the seatbelt. It looks like the sky's starting to cloud over.

"Dude, if you didn't want to come then you shouldn't have RSVP'd to the invitation. And put your seatbelt on." Kenny complains from the back again.

"But then it would be too obvious." Wendy retorts harshly and eyes him from the rear-view mirror. She also eyes my seatbelt and I quickly fasten it with a loud groan.

"_What_ would be too obvious?" Kenny asks with annoyance, trying to challenge her.

"I already told you!" she yells as some asshole cuts in front of us, clearly losing her patience not with Kenny but with the bad traffic conditions.

"Told me _what_?" he says slyly and I can practically feel his intent on trying to purposely piss her.

"Kenneth McCormick! You better shut up or else I'll-!"

"...make me sleep on the couch again? Yeah, yeah. Got it." He replies with satisfaction at having pushed her over the edge.

As usual.

**X**

Twenty minutes later, we finally arrive at the church parking lot to find an excessive amount of cars parked from front to end. Just when I thought there could be a glimmer of hope in the form of a little something called 'a lack of parking space that will send me home from the wedding,' Kenny just had to open his big mouth.

"That space should be free." he points at the gaping space between the minivan and the convertible.

Wendy moves right into the space and parks us perfectly in between the two cars. She unbuckles her seatbelt and leans towards me. "How are you feeling now?" she asks sympathetically.

"Same." I mumble out and she rubs my back.

"Just take your time. We aren't in a rush, Stan."

"Not unless you want to miss the whole ceremony." Kenny retorts as he leans in between Wendy and I. "Don't force him into something he doesn't want to do, Wendy."

As soon as Wendy opens her mouth to speak, I cut in, not wanting them to have another argument over me. "No, I'm fine." I finally unhook my seatbelt and open the van door on my side. "I'd be a douche if I didn't wish him happiness on the most important day of his life." I say, trying to hide my sarcasm.

Kenny studies my face for a minute as if he's trying to uncover any evidence of whether I am lying or not, but then he lets it go. "Alright. But if you change your mind just let us know."

"Thanks." I smile and slam the door shut as Wendy and Kenny make their way out of the van as well.

The least I could do is give Kyle my blessings since he practically went through hell when he was with me. Even though his parents always preached crap about accepting this and being opened minded about that, they're merely hypocrites who just don't want to look like discriminating assholes in public. For the years that we were together, Kyle lived his life in constant paranoia. He was constantly looking behind his back, hoping that his family would not find out about our "secret" relationship. At first I thought it was somewhat romantic to live in taboo with the person I love, striving through our relationship despite the people who would discriminate against us. But it slowly ate away at Kyle. And afterwards, I just couldn't stay happy knowing Kyle was the one suffering the most out of this. I just couldn't continue this relationship if it meant hurting Kyle in the process. But ironically, I wasn't the one who broke it off with him for his own good. No. Even though it was supposed to be my role as the responsible one to do it, I ended up being selfish and said nothing to him as if everything was normal. So, no, I didn't break up with him.

He broke up with me.

I remember how simple the breakup was. It was just so blatant and simple that it was hard to believe at first. It just didn't register in my mind that I spent days wondering if it had indeed happened or if it was just some freakishly realistic dream. Damn that text...

That text message that said "_Goodbye..._" at three in the morning on my cell and nothing else.

Nothing.

Meaning I never even heard from Kyle after that text up until the day I received the invite to his and Bebe's wedding. I mean we were still connected through other friends and some online networks, so I was in a way aware of what was generally going on in his life. Like, how he and Bebe got together and how they were engaged to be married almost immediately after the break up with me, but I never spoke to him in person. Even to this day I sometimes still wonder if that text was real or not. It was just so surreal.

Kenny walks ahead of Wendy and I up the steps and pulls open the church doors. "After you, your Highness." He fakes a bow at Wendy and she stifles a giggle.

We make our way through the doors and after we enter, rather than being greeted with pews full of joyful people and the bride in groom standing in holy matrimony in front of the priest, we have a dumbfounded crowd with many people huddled around a crying bride trying to consol her with the groom nowhere to be found.

Wait...nowhere to be found?

"W-what in the...?" Wendy stammers and looks around the church, trying to find an answer in vain.

"This doesn't look good." Kenny whispers to me to avoid any complaints from Wendy about stating the obvious.

Wendy turns around. "I'm going to comfort Bebe. It's pretty obvious at what happened." She eyes Kenny before leaving our side to run over to her best friend.

"I feel kinda bad for her." Kenny states.

"Yeah." I nod.

"Don't lie."

I tense up a bit. "I'm not, Kenny. Don't make me sound like a dick."

Kenny gives me a lazy "Uh huh" and heads over to some familiar faces we know. "I'm going to talk some people. Maybe I'll find out what exactly happened. You wanna join? Or would you rather comfort the 'blushing' bride?" he points his thumb at the crowd around Bebe and I shake my head.

"That's okay." I reply and he gives me a nod before heading off.

I scan the church and realize that there really isn't anything much for me to do besides standing here looking like a tool. Everyone is either in a state of confusion as to why Kyle decided to ditch in the first place or are sad. Well, some are genuinely sad but I can tell some people could care less about Bebe and are secretly enjoying the drama. It's funny how some people are actually able to find enjoyment out of other people's misfortunes but would fall to a crying mess if that same drama were to happen to them. The cruelty of humanity can be pretty devastating sometimes. I wonder if anyone would find joy out of mine and Kyle's melodrama from a few years back.

I find myself wandering aimlessly out of the church and around the area surrounding it after finally coming out of my thoughts. I start to wander further away from said dark atmosphere to detach myself from the reminder of Kyle marrying someone other than myself as much as I can. I want to savour the time I have away from that thought as much as possible.

I don't know how much time has passed but the sun is starting to set...and I've somehow ended up at Starks Pond. It's rather peaceful in comparison to the previous uproar at the church. The quiet atmosphere is just so comforting with its slight sounds of rippling water moving across the pond from the wind and the quiet rustling of dead leaves. It kind of makes me want to close my eyes and bathe myself in this comfort without a care in the world. It's almost as if the rippling water is trying to lull me to sleep to help me heal my wounds, even if it is a temporary healing.

As I continue to walk along the path, something in the distance comes into view. I squint my eyes to adjust my vision but the only thing I see is a red blob of hair.

Red...?

I quicken my pace by jogging but it doesn't really bring me to my target any faster, so I practically start sprinting towards him. And as he starts to come into view, I slow down so that the first he sees when he looks up isn't his wacked-out ex trying to trample him.

I stop just before him and take a deep breath. He hasn't changed much at all.

"Hey."

He lifts his face off of his arms and faces me.

"Stan...?" he says almost with surprise.

"It's been a while." I smile and gaze out to the pond as I sit next to him. There sure were many good memories created here. "You don't sound too surprised at seeing me." I add light-heartedly.

"Trust me, I am surprised." he chuckles. "I didn't think you would want to come. But Bebe insisted we invited you."

"Do you regret her decision?" I joke trying to get the conversation flowing.

"No."

We both look out to the pond without making a sound. It's the type of comfortable silence that one would enjoy with someone they are close to, and not the kind where it's completely awkward where both parties just can't wait to get away from each other. It's nice and nostalgic to be sitting here with Kyle like this. It's as if those three years apart hadn't existed at all.

"What are you doing here?" he finally asks as he rubs his eyes and rests his chin on his knees.

I spread my hands on the ground behind me and lean back slightly. "I could ask you the same thing. Everyone's waiting for you back there." My chest tugs at the last part of that statement.

"Don't remind me, Stan."

I stare at him, wondering what in the world possessed him to run away like that. He was the one who left me in the first place to lead what he would consider a "normal" life in a "normal" relationship. He wanted this, right?

"We can stay here as long as we want. Screw the others." I reassure him.

He sniffs a few times, showing signs that he obviously was crying before my arrival. Some time away from the others is good anyways since his eyes probably need a while to swell down.

"Was it wedding jitters?" I joke again, trying to make light of the situation.

"More than that." He replies.

I nod and could practically predict what he's getting at. I always had a feeling it would come back to haunt him. I could always read him in and out like a book. Even now, after having not spoken for so long I don't feel any anger towards him and can read his emotions clearly. And I can practically feel the same comfort we had three years ago, even if we did part on bad terms. It is because of these reasons that I find our breakup to be such an unnatural thing that occurred between two people who are so natural together.

Kyle sighs to himself. "Maybe I should go back. It's been two hours already." He says as he starts to stand from his spot.

"Two hours?" I bellow and pull him back down. "Kyle, would you look at yourself?"

"W-what?" he stammers.

"For fuck sakes. We should have had this conversation three years ago." I pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration. "Don't you think there's obviously something wrong if it's more than just wedding jitters that made you stay away for so long?"

"I know what you mean, Stan-."

"Then stop lying to yourself, Kyle!"

He looks at me with fright at my sudden outburst but then he tenses up in anger. "NO! Don't you fucking get it?" he yanks his arms out of my grasp and I stand up to meet his eyes. "I can't live my life like you!"

"Yes you can!" I interrupt and grab his shoulders to calm him. "You are what you are, Kyle. And no one should tell you how you should live your damn life!" I grip him hard until my knuckles turn white from the pressure. Right now, I could care less if I'm physically hurting him, I just want him to get my point. "I've told you countless times when we were together that all you have to do is just come out and say it."

"Damn it, Stan!" he huffs. "What worked for you will not necessarily work for me. Do you know how it feels?"

"Ky..."

"No! Just because your parents were accepting and welcomed you with opened arms about your sexuality doesn't mean mine will do that. You're not the one who overheard your parents saying how they are accepting as long as their own kids aren't fucking gay! You know what that means don't you?" he bellows.

"I get the point..." I murmur.

Kyle pulls my hands off of his shoulders. "Do you? If you do then you wouldn't be asking about this shit!" He buries his face in his hands but I pry them away from him.

"Enough is enough, Kyle." I hold onto his hands and stare straight into his eyes. "If you're not going to do this for yourself, then think about Bebe." I begin. "Do you think it's really fair to lie to her like that?"

"That's not-!"

"No it's not! It's not fair for her at all. Don't you think she deserves someone who truly loves her? You can't just...marry her for the sake of hiding your own sexuality." I soften my voice as I am overcome with sadness as I imagine myself in Bebe's place in this fucked up situation.

"I do love her..." Kyle breaks eyes contact with me and his eyes well up. "But-."

"But not in the same way."

Kyle bites his lower lip. "But we dated for three years..."

"So? What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"I'll learn to love her..."

"No, you won't!"

Kyle lets out an exasperated grunt. "I can manage...okay?"

"What?" my voice hitches as if we've reached the climax of a story and now everything is falling to its conclusion; ending with the way things are with no chance of change.

Kyle places one hand over mine and smiles weakly. "What you and I had, I'll never forget it. Never. But in time, I'll learn to love Bebe the same way as I loved you." he squeezes my hand.

I swallow hard at his stoic expression. "Loved?"

He nods sadly. "I'm sorry. It's just when I was with you, there was just too much to fear." He attempts to smile again but it falls as soon as he glances at my own saddened expression. "That constant fear gets to you, you know?" he adds.

"I wish you would see things my way, Kyle." I breathe out.

"Me too."

"And I wish I can make you happy."

"Me too."

We stand there for a while in complete silence, trying to savour what little time we have left together as two people still in love; two people who have temporarily detached themselves from a cruel and hateful world that will not allow us to be happy together; that same cruel world who has sent my best friend running from himself to live a lie that will imprison him for as long as he cowers in fear of the life he could have had. The happy life that only someone out of this world could have given him.

"I...should be getting back." he takes a hold of my hand and caresses his cheek with it.

"Yeah, they were all pretty worried about you." I brush my thumb on his face in that same familiar way I used to when we were together. "Are you sure...?" I ask once again just to make sure.

Kyle gently removes my hand from his face and smiles sadly. "I'm sure."

His expression pains me and I almost have the urge to just grab Kyle and run as far away from here as possible, but I know that even if I could give him the life he wants he would still be unhappy. So this isn't a win-lose situation for Kyle. It's a lose-lose because either way he'll be unhappy because there will always be something to fear. Whether it's fear of being hated by his own family or fear of having possibly made the wrong life decision, it's still fear that will stay with him. And it's unfortunately that he can't at least find some happiness in either decision.

"Goodbye then." I sigh.

"You're not coming back with me?"

"I just need some time out here a bit." I turn away from him to hide the tears forming over my eyes. "You know, I don't want to do anything that we might regret. I just need some time to cool off a bit."

Kyle smiles. "Take your time then. I'll be expecting you." he faces the other way to head off but then glances at me again. "Stan?"

I quickly look over towards him with my hand still rubbing my eye.

Thanks." he smiles once again. And with that he turns around and starts to head off in the direction of the church.

I guess for him everything worked out the way he initially wanted when he broke things off with me. He'll probably go back and explain that he just had the wedding jitters and needed to calm down or that he forgot the ring at home or something along those lines. And then everything will be as he expected: the 'I do's,' the after party, and then going home to live a happy life with his wife. But the only thing that he doesn't know is that I'm not going to be there. Even though he's expecting me to come back to the church after calming down and just sit there with everyone else grinning like an idiot, I'm not going to witness the most important day in Kyle's life. Because it isn't. There's nothing good or important about the beginning of a life made up of lies. There's nothing to rejoice for and I'm not going to be there to support him and give him the message that this is the way he should live. I was a fool to think that I could be with him for this, but I guess even I have to break my own expectations sometimes. One day, he might come to his senses, and if/when that day comes, I'm going to make sure he does not regret his realization no matter how long it takes. It may be ten years or maybe even fifty years from now until he realizes it, or worse yet, he may never realize it at all. But regardless, I am not going to sit in that church and watch someone I love being initiated into a life of darkness and pain. I'm going to make sure of that with my own little lie. It may be harsh to let him off thinking that I'll be there by his side when him and Bebe tie the knot, but maybe it's for the best. Some lessons are best learnt harshly.

I wipe my wet eyes and stare off in the distance and start to relive the memories that Kyle and I made here in Starks Pond. A life of happiness that can only exist in memory.

The End.


End file.
